No Doubt.

I know it's impossible to have a relationship with someone and not have any doubts. Life is short and nobody wants to be wasting their time with the wrong person.
Still, I couldn't help but be jarred and a bit hurt when he confessed his many doubts to me a few hours ago.

I'm aware that my response was a bit too impassioned (as often it is when I am really feeling strongly about something) and I did come off sounding not entirely unlike a motivational speaker, but at least I can say I fought for it.
Nothing good comes without risk.
The people I value the most in life are people I worked hard to become so close with. The people I consider my closest friend, the people I can say "I love you" to and really feel the tightness in my chest and sincerity, they are people I've been through a lot with.
Now I'm not even going to throw around the 'l word' with this guy, but I'm just saying, we've known each other for months and have recently established that we both want to take things forward so I don't see the problem.
Where he sees the summer as a stressful time, a time of vacationing and separation, of sadness and longing, I refuse to see anything but possibility.
Maybe we will be in a relationship this summer.
Maybe we will get together and have ice cream on the boardwalk after a dip in the ocean.
Maybe we won't be together. he will go to Jamaica and grow as a person, I will go home and prepare for graduate school and do tons of yoga, growing as a person the whole time.

Whether we grow together or grow apart, we will both grow.

That is my point.
I'm somewhat  excited to see if anything blooms this weekend.

FLYING & FOOLISHNESS

this week is completely flying by, unbelievable! It's already April.
I'd really like to get around to watching some of AMC's April Fool's Day all-day-special featuring such lovable goofs as the 3 stooges & the always charming Gene Wilde.
Almost Friday...I would enjoy this fact more if I wasn't plowing through GRE practice books, Neitzche, Emerson, & A Streetcar Named Desire...*sigh*

hope you're having a great week & enjoying the not-quite-spring-iness of the season!

and just like that....

...everything seems to change!
sometimes change is good, sometimes people can't accept it. But really, I think it means enough to me to fight for it.



\Also, the grad school application process is going slightly less painlessly. I feel almost 1/3 done with it all. I'm just a bit scared, but that's inevitable.

I had a wonderful passover & am spending easter weekend in the dentist's chair [and most likely also the interrogation chair...]

wish me luck...

FRIENDS REALLY DO...

...make the world a better place!
I'm a lucky girl.
I plan on enjoying this gorgeous spring day by taking a walk into town. 

~back from spring break

as I return from Spring Break I realize:
1. drawing with pastels is one of my new ambitions
2. my body does not like being on antibiotics
3. boxing is a fabulous release of tension & anger
4. poems do not always 'write themselves'
5. sleeping late is underrated
6. mark downs are a great excuse to buy shoes I do not need
7. dogs are [usually] more fun when they are not yours to take care of
8. old people pick out lame desserts
9. bus rides are super uncomfortable to begin with and even more so when valley girls drone out your music from intrusive plastic "ear buds"
&
10. graduate school is not half as scary as I anticipated...I'm relieved to no longer cower under it's looming shadow after starting the application process!

THE COLOR PURPLE

"I think it pisses God off if you walk by the color purple in a field somewhere and don't notice it."

-Alice Walker

[I'm feeling pretty crummy do to this cold I'm battling at the moment and the fact that I don't have any hot water in my dorm but Alice Walker's beauty and insight usually cheers me up.]

razor-sharp rants

as the blood from my open cut sprays off of the razor and onto the cold white tiles
I can't help but be particularly annoyed.
it only got worse as I saw he wasn't at the gym like he said he would be.

I am ending this night on a particularly rant ridden note:
My head is strangely energized and enraged. take ten minutes of quickie shaving, an hour of fitness, a pint of cold milk, & an hour long phone conversation with a dear old friend.

I can't help but wonder:
1) Why does a guy have to be tell you where and when he'll be (ie: gym, monday night, 10-11) instead of just asking for your number?
And then he doesn't even flippin' show up!
2) Why do girls have to shave so many more places than men? Why? I have sensitive skin. It's dry due to this scale inducing winter. Ouch. When guys have 5'oclock I don't even complain because I LIKE IT! Why is this? I don't understand. The one place guys are expected to shave and they are more attractive to me when they get a little lazy with it. Bizarre.
3) Why am I always told to wait two days to call a guy and play hard to get? Everyone likes the chase, I'm told, keep the chase going.
4) I'm kind of wondering if slam poetry is ruining true poetry. The slam poetry I heard last weekend sounded way too centered around shock value rather than the beautiful and rhythm of the words. More curses should not equal more clapping (or snapping, as it happens).
5) Midterms are kicking my ass. Even though I'm prepared, I get so damned nervous. I hate anxiety.

Good news?
-Spring Break starts Friday.
--> Spring Break means yoga
--->It means family
---->It means good food, good laughs, good sleeps,
----->Warm showers with hard water & soft beds
...A week away from feeling a stranger in my own suite (on campus).

I raise this glass of milk to you as a toast:
& drink to optimism